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Yes,
you can have a happy romance, no matter how different your
religions. Here are the key moves to make.
By Lisa
Lombardi
 auren Hillman could always sort of see
herself dating a nice Jewish doctor. Then while working at a
restaurant, a guy named Ben caught her eye. He was nice—check.
In med school—another check. And cute—bonus check. But Ben
wasn’t Jewish; he was Catholic. When he asked her out, she
hesitated—for half a second. Two and a half years later, this
Boston couple is happily together.
You probably know
at least one couple like Lauren and Ben. And you might even
find yourself in a relationship like theirs one day. “As the
boundaries between people of different cultural backgrounds
relax, interfaith relationships are becoming more and more
common,” says Toni Coleman, M.S.W, a life coach in Arlington,
Virginia who was raised Catholic but has been married for 17
years to a Jewish man. “It’s no longer as taboo as it was when
I got married.” But though two-religion romances no longer
raise eyebrows, they can still pose challenges—challenges you
can easily conquer with these simple strategies to making your
mixed-religion romance last.
Secret #1: Don’t have the “What
religion should we raise the kids?” conversation on the first
date
You should
definitely talk early and often about your two-faith situation
(see #2). But “it’s essential to first explore your
similarities before you tackle your differences,” says Debbie
Mandel, M.A., author of Turn on Your Inner Light.
Why? Realizing “wow, we have so much in common” provides a
foundation that will help you put your one big difference—your
faiths—into perspective. And it helps you deal with the
inevitable relationship stresses that will pop up. So before
you delve into theological issues, revel in the fact that you
both love 80s punk rock, hate rude drivers, and believe that
reality shows are ruining TV.
Secret #2: Do bring up the R
word
You know what we
said in secret #1? Disregard it as soon as you’re over the
third-date hump or you’ve programmed each other’s numbers into
your cell phones—whichever comes first. “Starting really early
in our relationship, we asked each other tons of questions
about our religions,” says Suzanne Kimelman, 28, an Irish
Catholic who last year tied the knot with her Jewish
boyfriend. “I don’t think you can talk too much. We were
really open about what we loved about each other’s religion
and what made us a little bit nervous.” It’s key to have this
kind of soul-baring chat for a couple of reasons. First off,
if deep-down one of you isn’t O.K. with your interfaith
romance, these heart-to-hearts up the odds that your
ambivalence will surface early—as opposed to when you’re going
for your second bridal-gown fitting. And airing little
worries—like, “Will he expect me to convert?”—can ease your
mind before you start assuming the worst and second-guessing
the whole relationship.
Then once you start to imagine
a future together, it’s time to talk logistics. “The biggest
mistake you can make is to think, ‘Oh, our love will carry us
through,’ says Coleman. “It’s essential to have practical
conversations before you’re even engaged.” On the must-discuss
list: what are you going to do about kids, will you keep your
respective faiths, and which holidays will you celebrate.
Secret #3: Don’t get
into a “Why my faith is actually best for both of us”
debate
Unless you want
to drive your sweetie away, that is. Because “the biggest
mistake you can make is trying to get the other person to
convert,” says Coleman. Why? He’ll feel like not only his
house of worship but his family and childhood traditions are
under attack. Instead, let your date know—through your words
and actions—how much you respect his or her beliefs and
customs, even if you don’t share them. To that end, ask lots
of questions, read up on each other’s faiths, and invite each
other to religious observances—from your date's nephew’s bris
to your niece’s christening.
Some couples who continue
to practice their own faiths also choose to build a shared
spiritual life by focusing on their common moral ground.
“Since the Ten Commandments are fundamental parts of both of
our religions, we focus on that as the basis for how to be a
good person,” says Suzanne Kimelman.
Secret #4: Do meet the
parents
Sure, it’s
tempting to delay bringing your honey home—especially if you
sense your parents will be less-than-thrilled that he or she
is not _____(fill in the blank) religion. But make sure you
introduce him as soon as you would any other serious partner.
Why? An early introduction sends Mom and Dad the message: I
really like this person. Bonus: You may find that once your
family actually meets your amour, their longing for a
same-faith son- or daughter-in-law vanishes, as Lauren Hillman
discovered. “I grew up knowing that it was important for my
parents that I marry someone who is Jewish,” she says. “But
after meeting Ben and seeing how happy we are together, they
feel differently now.” A few ground rules: Prep your mate if
things could get ugly. Say, “O.K., these are the players—I’ve
got this 90-year-old great aunt and she speaks her mind... ”
That way, your date won’t be blindsided by her jab at the
Pope. And establish a secret code, so if things get tense you
can reach over and squeeze his or her hand or kick each other
under the table.
Secret #5: One word —
compromise
It’s a must in
any relationship, and a super-duper must in a romance with two
sets of rituals and holidays jockeying for airtime. “When I
got serious with Mike, my mother told me, ‘It’s not about what
you can have but what you’re willing to give up,” says Lauren
Russ, a 35-year-old Chicago woman who has been married for two
years to a Roman Catholic. “Mike gave up an interfaith wedding
because a Jewish one was important to me. I never thought I
would hang Christmas lights at our house, but I do because it
is important to him,” she says. “We just work together and
give and take accordingly to make sure that our family comes
first.”
Sure, negotiating two faiths can be a little
tricky sometimes, but think of it this way: Being flexible
puts you at an advantage in the long-run. “If you adapt to
your religious differences,” says Mandel, “you’ll be better
equipped to adapt to other differences that come along your
way.”
Lisa Lombardi is a writer and editor
based in New York. She's contributed to Redbook,
Cosmopolitan and Marie Clarie.
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