Are parents better partners?
By Lisa Lombardi When you
think of a group that has a dating edge, single parents probably don’t leap to
mind. After all, unmarried moms and dads have to line up babysitting just to go
on a date! And run potential partners by a panel of pint-sized judges! But
raising little ones can actually give you a leg up in the dating world, says
Sharon McKenna, author of
Sex and the Single Mom. “Parenting skills are
definitely transferable,” she says. “As a parent, you’re more patient and not as
focused on yourself anymore.” And that can be a boon to your love life, as
single mom Sheila Green of Boston has discovered. “Being a parent has helped me
in my relationship, because the qualities of a good parent, like compassion and
trust, are the same ones you need in love,” she says. What other traits make you
a dream partner? Here, the perks of parenthood:
#1: You’re very busy
(and that’s a good thing)Let’s face it: Between coaching soccer,
quizzing the kiddos on spelling words and reading bedtime stories, you don’t
have time to make your sweetie a scrapbook of your first 30 days together. And
that can make you a hotter commodity. “When you have a life and kids of your
own, it makes you a little less available, which is attractive to many people,”
says McKenna. You can’t help but be less clingy, as McKenna — a mom of twin boys
— has found. “It’s made me more independent within a relationship,” she says. “I
have my kids. Love would be a nice addition, but it’s not my sole focus, so I’m
more relaxed about it.”
#2: You’re more in the momentYou know
how when you have kids an ordinary moment can turn extraordinary in an instant?
For instance, one second baby’s making random faces, the next she’s cracked her
first honest-to-goodness smile. And the stages are fleeting, too, so you learn
to savor every last second. Well, that seize-the-moment mindset can help you
connect with your partner, too. Post-kids, “you appreciate what you have and
aren’t so future-focused,” says McKenna. When you stay in the here-and-now
rather than stressing about how the future will unfold, it can be easier to
build a meaningful connection. Just ask divorced mom Green, who has a relaxed
attitude toward finding and savoring love. She recently built a patio off her
dining room with her boyfriend of one year and her son. “It wasn’t perfect, but
that was OK because the three of us had such a nice time creating something
together.”
#3: You don’t take yourself too seriously
Being a
parent means giving up all sense of dignity. It starts when you get spit up on
for the first time and continues as you’re cheering potty efforts or spitting
into a tissue — something you swore you’d never do! — to wipe your child’s
grape-juice-stained face. “You’re no longer so worried about how you look,” says
Debbie Mandel, author of Turn On Your Inner Light. “Most of all, you are
not inhibited by what other people think. When you are less self-conscious, you
are freer with your partner.” The most immediate benefit? You’re more fun to be
around (yes, in the bedroom, too). But also, notes Mandel, “You’re more
accepting of your partner’s behavior, because you don’t see everything he or she
does as a reflection on you.” So your sweetie belts out off-key tunes at karaoke
night. Whatever—as long as everyone’s happy!
#4: You’re in touch with
your inner child
Maybe you dance around the living room to The Wiggles.
Or tell ghoulish ghost stories to liven up a blackout. Hmm, how did you get so
in touch with your playful side? From your little ones, of course! “Kids have an
eye for fun,” says Mandel. “They can see it in the most ordinary things, like
the way they’ll turn a cardboard box into a fort.” In grown-up terms, this means
you possess the wonderful ability to see the bright side of anything. When the
fancy-schmancy restaurant loses your reservation, you’re probably able to turn
on a dime and suggest grabbing cheap beers and juicy burgers at the local dive.
And have a good laugh about the mishap! “Laughter releases stress, raises
endorphins and creates positive energy,” says Mandel. “When you’re positive, you
can brainstorm other solutions.”
#5: You’re more patientGood
news: Those loooong minutes waiting for your toddler to brush her teeth or
preschooler to zip up her own jacket weren’t in vain. Because even on your most
rushed days, you’re now worlds more patient than you were before parenthood.
“You’re more understanding and able to ‘deal’ with a partner who may be not at
his or her best,” says McKenna. “You can stand back and let things cool instead
of instantly reacting.”
Patience also gives you the fortitude to hold
out for someone special. “We’ve seen firsthand how being patient with our
children and their needs can help them become the best they can be,” says
McKenna. “The same is true for us—we have learned to be patient with our own
needs for intimacy and love, because in the long run, it’s worth it to wait.”
So now that you’re aware of all you have to offer, get out there and get
dating!
Lisa Lombardi is a writer and editor in the New York area.
She is also the mom of a 2-1/2 year old son.