A doormat is created during childhood. A child receives cues to delight the parental unit functioning like a cheer leader, or someone responsible for parental happiness. While many teenagers rebel to assert individuality and flex identity muscles, the doormat seeks to be the good youth who expresses identity through obedience as dictated by parents and social mores. Often playing the role of the good little girl or boy, who thrives on external approval, triggers the development of an unhappy people-pleasing, self-suppressed adult -the over-doer. Ultimately, during the course of a lifetime a person who has so many family and friends’ demands plugged into their socket, finally blows, either in anger, or in disease. And this kind of stress is a killer for both mental and physical health. However, why let it get to this explosive point?
If you have served as a doormat, time to transform yourself into the polar opposite to correct the situation: the diva. Divas ask for what they need/want because they value themselves. Divas refuse to do what truly doesn’t resonate for them. Divas do not get exhausted performing what others expect. Divas sing for themselves. Divas engage in self-care and choose what they will do for others.
How to become a diva
The first step is not to seek approval. Whatever you decide to do, make sure not to tell anyone: for your inner eyes only. It might be tempting to say, “Look what I did,” but in actuality you are doing what you are doing for your own personal joy or growth, your secret treasure.
The next step is to limit the trespasses on your time and space: The power of refusal. You have choice regarding the people you take care of and those who deplete you. Choice does not render you lonely or isolated; rather choice gets you involved with caring for others in a more meaningful, connected level. You don’t need to be selfless to prove that you are a good person, worth it. Enjoy your alone time to get reacquainted with your soul and think about what you feel like doing, rather than shaming and judging yourself for not living up to some idealized platitude. And that’s just what it is: a platitude which you are beating yourself up for; because if it were your core value, you would surely do it.
This extra time you make for yourself gives you the advantage of creative compensation; you can return to young dreams and wishes to do what you once loved to do and were good at doing to apply it in some form to your present self. Consequently, you can re-parent yourself. If you were raised to be a doormat, you can’t blame your parents and teachers forever. You are an adult now: Time to observe yourself objectively, let go of mistakes, and reframe your current life.
Step three is to learn how to reduce stress and engage in fun. When doormats become stressed, they are more likely to activate their stern inner critic and revert to extreme doormat mode to placate that stern inner critic, in other words atone with an extra dose of altruism, or self-isolate into a prison of loneliness as who would want to be with them? Clearly, this cycle generates even more stress and unhealthy inflammation. In contrast divas seek out activities and people who bring them happiness, positivism or benefit. So throw out that old doormat with your monogram. People can take off their shoes when they enter your space!
Debbie Mandel, MA is the author of
Addicted to Stress: A Woman's 7 Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life,
Changing Habits: The Caregivers' Total Workout and
Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul, a stress-reduction specialist, motivational speaker, a personal trainer and mind/body lecturer. She is the host of the weekly Turn On Your Inner Light Show on WGBB AM1240 in New York City , produces a weekly wellness newsletter, and has been featured on radio/ TV and print media. To learn more visit:
www.turnonyourinnerlight.com
